June 2, 2020

BRAKING MUSE: Newly identified virus causing a ‘Big Stir’

(Heard County, GA) — Local wellness professionals and government officials are concerned that a gross misunderstanding of a new ordinance by some residents may have led to a weekend outbreak of a new virus in western Heard County.

While the new virus appears to be a sexually transmitted disease that only affects middle-aged married men, officials say they are deeply concerned with how fast the virus has spread throughout two communities since first being diagnosed just this past Thursday.

“We believe the virus started with a 51-year-old husband in the Frolona community,” says an official with the Heard County Wellness Department who wishes to remain anonymous.

“The man told us that he got confused when a fishing buddy told him about the newly adopted ‘Shelter in Place’ order and the fact that his wife might be receiving a large check from the government.”

Apparently, the man was inebriated at the time and thought the ordinance meant he would be paid to sleep with his own wife.

“Now I must admit I had drank a few beers, but I heard my buddy say something about ‘my stimulus package’ and ‘social pistoning’ and all I could think about was laying down with my wife for some reason — even though it had been I don’t know how many years since I had that urge.

Officials say that since the man slept with his wife, other middle-aged married men in the area have also begun to sleep with their wives for the first time in years.

Wellness officials don’t believe the virus is deadly, but do say one of the primary side effects could be dangerous.

“Once these men finally sleep with their wives they seem to be so excited by the new feeling that the lower part of their bodies just start dancing,” officials say. “Due to the nature of the dance, folks on social media have dubbed the dance as #TheBigStir and the only way the men are able to stop the dance is by spooning all night long with their wives.”

(Photo: HCWD)

The virus began with just the one gentleman in Frolona but had already spread to the nearby Glenn community by late Friday night.

Many of these men were posting videos of themselves dancing on Facebook and #FrolonaVirus has been trending all weekend on other social media applications as well.

Officials say it is morally and ethically wrong to name the virus for the community it started in and strongly suggest people immediately stop using the trending phrase #FrolonaVirus.

“We feel calling it the ‘Frolona Virus’ is inappropriate at this time, and and in an effort to raise awareness ask that people in the future please refer to this STD by it’s more scientific name — Hipatitis D.

Hipatitis D is a serious condition said one government leader and we plan to do everything in our power to contain this virus before it spreads to our more upscale communities like Ephesus and Centralhatchee.

“We have a much older population in the northern parts of the county and it’s been even longer since these men have slept with their wives. It is too early to tell what might happen if this older generation of men were to be infected, so we’ve got to stop the spread now,” said the elected official. “We are in for a long fight but I think we can get through this because here in Heard County we are survivors.”

Wellness officials say once infected, these men need to be quarantined to prevent the spread of Hipatitus D.

While it seems women and children cannot catch this virus, there remains a danger of injuries especially to small children and toddlers.

“The dancing tends to be mild at first for the married middle-aged men, but those men with “dad bods” are considered to be most dangerous. We had one man that had such a severe bout that he went into full on “twerk” mode and knocked one of his toddler grandchildren clear across the room — so everyone just needs to be careful and take this virus seriously,” says the official.

In an exclusive interview, the King of the Glenn community said that he thinks this “virus” is being blown way out of proportion and it is not that different from another virus that has existed in his area for years.

“I have been telling folks for years about this virus here in Glenn. The only difference has been that the Glenn Virus has been causing men to sleep with other men’s wives,” said the King. “I know it has been around cause I have personally had the Glenn Virus and it has made me dance and I have lots of evidence of this on my social media pages.”

“This is not anything new. The Frolona Virus is not much different than the Glenn Virus was two years ago. It’s just an election year so now these politicians act like they want to care about us,” the King Stated.

“Where was the local government years ago when I was dealing with this? I mean I was dancing all the time and could not stop. I say we vote all them county officials out of office and just let me be King of the whole county — that’s the only way this crisis is gonna get solved. This is all just media hype and folks just need to find Jesus and try to be more positive.”

DISCLAIMER: This MUSE BRAKE may include information from sources that may or may not be reliable and facts that don’t necessarily exist. All articles should be considered satirical and any and all quotes attributed to actual people complete and total nonsense. Pictures that represent actual people should be considered altered and not in any way real. The MUSE BrAKe does not reflect the views or opinions of The Heard Citizen, its staff, or its sponsors, and is intended for entertainment purposes only. 

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