July 28, 2021

Tabula Rasa-Never a Comfortable Subject

The same day as my PICC line placement (Tues Nov. 15th the day before surgery) I was to start my colon cleanse.

Now, I’ve never had any type of surgery or colonoscopy or any such procedure. So, when I thought – ok, I’ll poo a few times since I’ve been on liquids for two days now and then i’ll be done, no big deal. Right? Wrong.

My PICC line was done about 1:30 and I was to drink the citrus nitrate at 2 p.m. exactly. I had a support group meeting I had to attend that night at 6:30. I’m no math major, but 4.5 hours of pooping seems plenty enough to clean out any one colon.

My mom and I leave Kennestone and head to my aunt Dot’s house where we’ll be staying the night. We get there pretty much at 2 p.m. exactly, so as soon as we arrive I drink my tasty (not at all) little drink and start getting settled into the room I’ll be sleeping in for the night.

It was just too long of a drive back at 6:30 the next morning when my aunt lives 20 minutes from the hospital.

I am pretty prepared, I get little blue packages of toddler wipes for my bum as instructed by my best friend and fellow bariatric patient. I lay on the bed to take a nap and wait on poo-fest 2011.

I fall asleep and about 5 minutes later I feel a rumbly in my tumbly. Cool, the drink is working. I begin pooing at about 2:30 ish. Now remember, I have only been drinking clear liquids such as chicken broth and SF popsicles for a couple of days.

Now the first few trips to the bathroom are very close together, just as I walk out of the door I must turn right back around – then the trips begin to slow a bit. Ahh… no problem, I’ve got this. 5 or 6 times at this point, no problem.

I start to read my book and get settled into the routine of cleaning out my colon. FOUR hours later it is time to go to the support group meeting.

I take a trip to the bathroom then leave right away so that I can make it to the building before having to go again. I get to the building and run inside just making in time before my body decides its going then and there.

I do not recommend joining a group of people in public while doing a colon cleanse. Luckily this group of people had either had the surgery or were going to have it, so they knew exactly what was going on.

It was just quite unfortunate timing that I had to attend this the night before my surgery while doing this shit – literally. I’m up and down the entire meeting while getting knowing smiles from the people who have done this before.

At one point people were in the single stall bathroom so I had to stand by… NOT a fun thing when you aren’t really getting to decide when to go. Out comes a lady and sees my face and remembers my colon cleanse was tonight – “Oh honey, gooo!! can I get you anything?”.

Really? Like what are you going to get someone who is about to poo themselves besides out of the damn way! 🙂

I will spare you the full details – but my bum was not a happy camper. I recommend diaper rash ointment, baby wipes, and a night at home for those of you going through this step. The dreaded poo fest was finally over about 11:30 pm. Yes – count up the hours.

After all this I had to take a shower with this special cleaner to help prevent infections during the surgery.

I could not get the PICC line wet, so my mom had to pretty much bathe me. Yep, this was a new experience for me. I haven’t had anyone bathe me in a non erotic (sorry, but its true) nature since becoming an adult.

Very odd experience, and it had to be repeated the next morning before we left for the hospital. Those of you luckily married people will probably fare better during this step.

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