September 21, 2017

Tabula Rasa: And another one down

I haven’t done this whole blog thing in a while. My apologies to you who actually keep up with it. I have passed another goal – I am now under 300 lbs!!! Yes!! I just reached this milestone this week. I now weigh 298 lbs. Did you see that 2!! My weight starts with a 2?!?! Crazy!

Size 24!

Today I put on a size 24 for the first time. I have never been in a size 24 as an adult. Now… having said all of this, let me tell you exactly what’s been going on with me.

First of all, let me just say that even though I see the scale going down and I am getting countless compliments every day, I’ve never felt more fat and unattractive. I know – strange, huh? Maybe it’s just a phase, I surely hope so.

I do not want to sound unappreciative – I completely understand how fortunate I am. I know that it is a mental hang up, perhaps due to all the attention and stress I’ve been putting on the scale and watching my body. I’ve never really paid much attention to my “rolls” or my fat.

And now I seem to be examining them constantly,… Oh! I’ve lost a back roll – seemingly overnight! Anyway – I digress – I think just constantly feeling my body and trying to notice changes is driving me a little batty.

This whole losing weight thing is a strange beast. I honestly cannot see my body shrinking. I think I look pretty much the same. Now, I’m not completely blind – like the before mentioned back roll that disappeared – I can obviously rationalize that if rolls are disappearing and the scale keeps going down, then I’m losing weight.

I can tell things feel differently. I can see sagging skin, but it doesn’t feel much different than fat. I’m not trying to be a whiney baby – I just want to be completely honest. And surprisingly, losing weight has not solved my money problems, has not cured my personality “hang – ups”, and most definitely has not turned everyone else into smart and kind people.

Meaning, losing weight is just that. I always thought my whole problem was that I was fat. If I could fix that, my life would be perfect. Guess what? There is no magical fairy that skinny people (not that I am skinny) have to make everything more tolerable. Damn!

That aside, I do have more energy. I notice myself sitting in positions I could not previously convince my body to do. I cross my legs because it’s comfortable, I remember wanting and trying so hard to sit with my legs crossed and it just being too uncomfortable.

There are also other “activities” which have significantly gotten more interesting. Let’s just say my body does a lot more than it used to. I am super excited about this whole process.

I am humbled by the support I’ve gotten – I just hope I move through this “not good enough” phase I’m going through now. I am trying to take this whole period in my life one day at a time and breathe.

Enjoy the small things, celebrate my accomplishments, and never ever take for granted what I’ve been blessed with.

Comments

  1. Anna Kirkpatrick says:

    Keep it up! πŸ˜€

  2. Great Job!!!!! Proud of you!!! πŸ™‚

  3. thanks for the post it is interesting just a question if you dont mind. my cuz had this surgery a while back and she too had loose skin do you think it will be hard for you to deal with the loose skin being there?

  4. Hi there πŸ™‚ Thank you for reading! Yes, I will have to have the skin removed, it’s already becoming a problem. But, it’s a small price to pay πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: