September 26, 2017

Tabula Rasa- And it Begins

(Written Monday, November 14, 2011)

Today is the day it all begins. No more solid foods. I am supposed to only drink liquids today – protein drinks, water, decaf tea/coffee, sugar-free popsicles, soup broth, etc.

Going shopping with mom to get last-minute stuff so when we get home from the hospital, I am all set. I am sort of on auto pilot.

I am trying to follow the doctors orders to the “T” so there are no surprises. Tomorrow I am on clear liquids only and then I do a colon cleanse.

Fun, fun. I am feeling especially fat today even though the scale says I’m pretty much the same as I have been for a week or so.

I had these strange sensations/thoughts last night. Almost like my “fat” self is upset at me for getting this surgery. I put in some really hard work to become self-confident and to see my beauty even if there were some people who couldn’t see it.

So now, going and making this radical change to my body feels a bit like a betrayal. “You are perfect just the way you are, but I’m going to change you”. That’s how I am feeling.

Logically I know why I am doing this. Not because I’m not enough now, not because I want other people to think I’m beautiful, but because I want to be more healthy and safely start a family when I meet my Mr. Right.

There is a part of me that thinks it’s going to be a bit easier to find that Mr. Right, as well. But will I be okay thinking this person may not have been with me pre surgery? All things I think about.

This all seems so surreal. I think tomorrow when I get my PICC line put in, this will feel more like it’s going to happen. I keep waiting for a phone call saying “oops, sorry – we can’t do this for you”.

I still have a hard time imagining good or life changing things happening to me. This is my first step in knowing I deserve the best I can do. I cannot express how much the support of my friends and family means to me.

Encouraging words are carrying me through this stage, otherwise I may just fall down. Okay, I’m going to get my day started…. enjoy yours as well!!

Click here to visit my blog directly. Please feel free to send emails with any questions or requests for information. (Editor’s Note: January is having her surgery Wednesday morning, November 16, 2011)

This picture is me on Sunday- weight 378 pounds

 

Comments

  1. robert montgomery says:

    I guess by now YOU really did IT! I have not met you yet, but reading your letters makes me realize you are a wonderful person! I bet you have a bunch of “wonderful” to share with people around YOU.I wish the best for you and hope you continue your journey to better Health and Well-being.Make this holiday MORE about THANKS and GIVING and less about swallowing processed foods and drinks!!! PEACE and JOY to YOU!!! red

    • wow – thank you for such support!! Yes, now it is all done. I am posting it all in complete detail on my blog. I just got a little behind due to a set back – I was feeling pretty rough for a second. Again, thank you sooo much for your support!!

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