Tabula Rasa: Tribulations

Thanks to all of you who have emailed me your personal stories and concerns because I have not posted lately.

My apologies, and even though I will not promise to be better, I will definitely promise to try.  I have a hard time believing anyone wants to hear about this stuff, as I’ve said before.  I am glad you do, though. 

I would like to start this off by saying that I understand that not everyone is going to know where I am coming from.  You can not possibly understand what it is like to be me, nor I to be you.

So please, please remember that before passing judgement on to anyone. I completely  understand the feelings that arise when you see someone you perceive as being “lucky” or fortunate and you hear them complain.  I get that.

However, I started this blog with the promise to myself and to my readers that I was going to be completely honest about all feelings and situations that arise as a result of this process.

I am going to continue to do so, regardless of any responses I get.  I will reiterate at this point that I get how fortunate I am.  I am truly blessed beyond measure.  But as everyone knows, bad days happen.

We are emotional creatures by design, and any sort of major change that you go through – there will be trials and tribulations.

My promise is to share them all with you so that you will be fully informed on my journey, with the hopes that you will be better prepared for your own.

This blog was important to me so that I could share with my friends and family my story, but mostly so that other people thinking about going down the same path could see the whole truth – and nothing but.

Now the good news – I’m down over 100 lbs!!! What? What?  I am now at 279 lbs.  This time has seemed to fly by.  I cannot believe it’s been six months since my surgery day.  I am exactly on target.  I can fit into some size 22 clothes, but my size is 24 – both of the pants you see in those pictures above are size 24.

Seeing my pants size drop, seeing the numbers on the scale go down, and hearing people that haven’t seen me in a while notice the weight loss all help in convincing my distorted brain that this is indeed happening.  However, nothing has been as therapeutic as getting rid of the clothes that will no longer stay on my body.

 It really felt like a cleansing.  I felt freed from the feelings of inadequacy that my clothes seemed to hold over me.  I didn’t even realize until I was stuffing the 4 trash bags with my past, but those clothes really held me to a mentality that no matter what I wore, I would still not be attractive.

No matter how many layers, how much I spent on the clothes – I never felt “good” about how I looked.  I was satisfied, I was complacent with knowing that I was not hideous.  But the clothes I stuffed my body into became a safety blanket, of sorts.

 I feel like I am not explaining this fully, but hopefully someone will understand.

Woah nelly!! My emotions have been all over the place.  Seriously.  When I say you find out who truly loves you during this process, I am not exaggerating by any means.  I feel great most days, and I am super happy.  But there are times I feel my psyche fighting the change.

I still feel sometimes like I am betraying myself.  Maybe I was fooling myself when I thought I was confident and secure in who I was.  My motivations and intentions seem to be a bit fluid at times.

I am still quite confident that the reason I fully committed to this path was generally for health reasons.  So that my body can be healthy and strong enough to support life.  My mind plays tricks on me at times, though.

Even though I may not have been as happy with my physical appearance as I thought I was, I am completely confident in my overall make-up.  I know I am not a vain person.

I know that I see beauty in every person I meet, and that will not change.  I actually feel pretty fragile and insecure most days.  I know this will change, I’m a strong woman and this will not break me.

But I am entitled to crawl into my shell and surround myself with positive people while I re-gain my strength.  I do not do well with hateful or negative people in general, but I’m especially susceptible to negative feelings right now.

The fat kid inside of me is pissed I’m getting rid of my protective layers.  Now I have to figure out how to feel secure without them.

I just want to end this by saying how I am humbled by your support.  You continue to inspire me, and restore my faith in humanity.  Your kind words, thoughts, prayers and positive energy  have carried me through some of the darkest days.

I take everything to heart, good or bad and most of you have done nothing but showered me with love and support.  I would have never imagined what an impact you all could have on me.  I thank you wholeheartedly.

I can only hope that each one of you go through a journey in your life where you are shown by your fellow human beings how kind and compassionate people are capable of being.  It is truly a life-altering experience.  Until next time, I wish you love and happiness. <3