August 4, 2021

What They Don’t Tell You To Expect When You Are Expecting

[jessica]I would say the majority of women pregnant with their first child have read a pregnancy book or two…or ten! While I feel those books are very helpful, and I read a few myself, I want to use this article to discuss those things they DON’T tell us. I am warning any male readers now you might want to skip this week’s blog!

These facts are not pretty but they are the truth. I just want to get a few things out in the open so my fellow moms never have to wonder if they are the only one going through something. I certainly don’t want to discourage any women from having children. Kids are the best things ever and such a blessing…I’m just saying the way we have to grow them and get them into this world is not glamorous!

So why don’t we start right after you pee on that stick and realize you are prego. I think most women feel sick in the beginning and end of pregnancy, and then feel the best and have the most energy in the middle. Some moms feel sick through the whole thing and some feel great through the whole thing.

Either way though we all gain weight, we retain water, we lose our waist and feet, we become gassy and get constipated, we get stretch marks and varicose veins…oh but we get to have “the glow”!

Give me a break, that glow is just a combination of a red face from a hot flash and good old-fashioned sweat! Not to mention we get poked and prodded and asked a million questions through the whole thing. On the plus side our boobs get bigger but then we nurse, or try to nurse, and then they deflate and are NEVER the same again! And you gotta love getting your cervix checked.

I love my doctor but I do not understand why she says I am going to feel “a little” pressure when she checks me. A little??? Yeah and I have gained “a little” weight! I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable but lets talk about sex for a second. I mean that is what got us in this situation right?! So in the beginning we are a little nervous to have sex even though it is perfectly safe, and in the end we are so uncomfortable that is the last thing on our mind! Basically the middle part of pregnancy is when we feel the most pretty therefore making us a bit frisky.

This is right about the time when you have the 20-week ultrasound. Many moms find out the sex of the baby or at least see their child on the monitor, and it becomes a real person especially to the daddy. So now when we are feeling sexy they are feeling freaked, and getting lucky seems weird with another person in momma’s belly- therefore no one gets lucky! I like to think that the baby shower is actually God’s way of making this up to us!

So now that the time is here to actually have the baby we get to lay in a transformer type bed. They lure us to this bed with nice blankets and pillows and they may even offer us some juice. Then when the time comes to have the baby they take off the entire bottom half of the bed only to reveal the stirrups, and turn on the spotlight that shines where the sun don’t shine! Even with a c-section you are still pretty exposed. I hear women say that childbirth is such a beautiful thing.

I would like to know what kind of drugs they gave those women and why I didn’t get some! Now I think childbirth is a miracle but it sure ain’t pretty. I mean the stuff that comes out before and after the baby…and then we kiss that precious head two seconds after they are born?!?! I had my first three babies without an epidural. Why you ask? I don’t know why I am an idiot! No seriously for me personally I was okay without one it was the next morning when I woke up that I screamed for my epidural.

Speaking of the next morning that is something I would really like to discuss. So the first night with that sweet little baby is usually amazing. People are probably doting on you and the baby, everyone is making sure you are eating and drinking plenty, and if you’re lucky they have given you some pain medicine.

We fall so in love with that baby that we have almost forgotten how miserable we were through pregnancy and childbirth. But then we wake up that next morning. I must have missed the chapter in those pregnancy books about feeling like a bus had hit you the next morning! Everything hurts but mostly our nether regions and boobs. I nursed all four of my children for different amounts of time, but it was always the same.

The things that babies and breast pumps can do to your nipples are just not right! The lactation consultant tells you that you are doing it right, but it sure doesn’t seem as natural as all those women you’ve seen doing it before. So when the baby is not eating and you have eaten, you are going to have to use the bathroom and have that first bowel movement since becoming a mom. I am just going to be completely honest now about pooping after my first baby.

I was seriously afraid to look in the toilet because it felt like I had just pushed out a knife! I now know this is thanks to hemorrhoids and this knife type feeling happens for many more bowel movements! So a couple days later we are sent home with our new little addition along with a few other things.

There are the diapers, for the baby and for us unfortunately, some wipes, again for both parties, a peri-bottle that is technically a gift from God, a thermometer, hopefully some pain meds, maybe a diaper bag, the gifts and flowers our loved ones brought us, oh and the $20,000 bill that will hopefully be paid almost in full by our insurance.

I can write more later about the trials you go through in the first six weeks after having a baby, but lets just say it is a lot of disgusting things coming out of very personal areas of both mom and baby! Creams are being applied to all sorts of sensitive parts, no one is sleeping, we are hungry and thirsty, the baby is hungry and thirsty, the baby is pooping, the pain medication has now made it so we can’t poop, and we are crying all time and WE DO NOT KNOW WHY!!!

Moms survive though and the bottom line is the baby is totally worth it. I mean I did it four times in seven years and would have done it another two if mean old baby daddy hadn’t said we were done!  I hope this has been helpful and humorous of course, and has shed some light on things a mom goes through and does not need to feel alone in!


  1. shelly hester says

    Ain’t that the truth! Thank you for your bluntness and humor. I truly enjoyed reading this! 🙂

  2. That was Hilarious!!

  3. Anna Kirkpatrick says

    this was great, you have great blogs.

  4. Kim lavoie hinely says

    You pretty much summed the whole experience up.

    Note: i am nursing my seventh month old son as i type this and i found myself thinking about another one the other day but then i remembered i am 41 and my baby daddy said no more two babies ago. I understand. I understand.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: