October 26, 2020

Tabula Rasa: It’s Just Me

Time is flying by much too quickly for my liking. I was reading back through the older blogs and I can hardly remember all that pain and suffering. I’m settling into my new life.

I say new because things really are much different. I was getting frustrated by the portions I could eat. It was like seeing a whole plate of your favorite food and only being allowed to eat one bite of it. Forced self-control.

But now, it is easier. And every day that goes by things just get a little bit more normal, the new normal. Instead of getting frustrated at the amount I can eat, I just enjoy the bites I can take and then occupy my mind with something else.

Usually talking – I LOVE socializing. It also helps that I have friends that love finishing my plate for me! That gets rid of the “finish your plate because there are starving children in Ethiopia” guilt that rings in my head at throwing away left overs. There ARE starving children, but this child is full!

People around me are getting used to things as well. I’m also getting such good advice and suggestions from all directions.

I love it. No one has been judgemental or preachy about things, either.

I find myself becoming pretty knowledgeable on food and exercise these days. It’s odd. I still get the looks from strangers when I only eat a few bites. I can only imagine the thoughts – “I KNOW that girl can eat more than that!”.

Or when I say I do yoga the “uh huh, sure” looks I get. But people who know me and have walked on this journey with me, willingly listen to the things that are working for me.

Please understand I am in no way downing myself with these comments, I’m just being real.

As an overweight person my whole life, I’ve heard enough comments and have had enough of my own thoughts and reactions to people – I know how the brain works. Everyone judges books by their covers, even when it isn’t who we are to do so. If that makes sense to anyone.

I would recommend to any of you going through this process and who are not married, to not date during this stage. Get used to your changing body, and take this time for yourself.

Get yourself in order and try to focus on what serves you best. I have been letting other people’s problems and the pull to meet someone get in the way of my goals. I have to constantly remind myself that I am changing everything about the way my life has worked for the past 33 years.

Now is not the time to start piling on new stress, responsibilities, or to commit yourself to anything other than reaching your goals. Find the time to settle into this new person who you’ve given birth to, quite literally.

This whole process my doctors and people in my life have reminded me how this whole process is very similar to child-birth. I like to point out to them that I do not have a baby at the end. But, I just realized typing that last paragraph, that in some way I do have a new being… it’s just me.

From the start I had to eat baby food and protein drinks to get used to my new stomach. Then slowly added soft foods, then small amounts of regular food. Still no sodas or beer (boo) – just like a baby going through the stages of eating. Huh. Interesting realization.

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